Home 9 Literary Archive 9 Fiction & CNF 9 Johan de Kirk’s a series of unfortunate events

Johan de Kirk’s a series of unfortunate events

By Thabiso Tshowa

I

Life is quite something, and it challenges billions of people on a daily basis. Some challenges are harder than others but the way I now see it after Gavin shared the story with me, ‘It’s not about how good a punch you packing but how many times you can get knocked down and still get up with a smile and positive attitude.

Well in truth Gavin wasn’t telling it to me alone. Gavin was passing down a piece of wisdom he had gathered from his college roommate, Christopher Wallace.

Christopher and Gavin met in February 2013. They were both starting college; Gavin at City Varsity and Christopher attended the University of Cape Town.

Gavin decided it would be fit to call him ‘Big Poppa’ because the name compensated the charismatic young man behind it. Christopher resorted to calling Gavin ‘Gavi no hands’ because of the antics Gavin would get up to when he was three sheets to the wind, yet did everything a person normally does, without the use of his hands.

Gavin took pride in his work as an artist. He drew, painted and took photographs. And Christopher, a business law student, who leaned a bit into politics.

Both friends shared a deep liking for African American hip hop, also huge movie fans. Not to mention the number of books they had read if you put their heads together. Christopher and Gavin shared everything, including their taste for lekker local foods, like bunny chow and the gatsby. They wore the same sneaker size. And shared a liking for American clothing brands, made by Chinese cheap labour. Though Christopher was a proud whiskey man, and Gavin a proud Rum guy; they still made it work by settling for Captain Morgan and Jack Daniel’s.

As the weeks went by, Gavin began to get paranoid that his worst fear might come true. The fear of getting too close to Christopher, and end up dragging him into his mess. Gavin had come a long way to end up in the Mother City. And just like Christopher, he had no family close by, so to bring Christopher in would not only be selfish but, unthinkable. But then Gavin had a hunch, that perhaps the courageous young man he has come to call his brother can take what might come.

II

Gavin Franklin Rudolf was born and raised in Malawi by a loving mother and a ghoulish father. Gavin grew up under the care of his older sister, Frankie. Frankie meant the world to her younger brother and vice-versa.

Gavin’s father, Simon Rudolf liked to clown around from time to time and his wife frowned upon his antics because Mr. Rudolf would even pull one of his stunts during serious times. Gavin and his older sister, Frankie found their father’s antics to be ghoulish and amusing. Their mother on the other hand, was afraid that her husband’s behaviour might rub off on the kids.

When Gavin was about ten years old, his father took interest into the priesthood, but he had not kicked his old habits of clowning around. One evening the Rudolfs were invited to attend a gathering hosted by one of their close friends, the Zarus; a despicable yet wealthy family that originates back to New Orleans, USA.

The gathering went without a hitch, but the problem ensued the morning after at the breakfast table when Mr. Rudolf was asked to bless the food with a prayer.  While praying, Mr. Rudolf started stealing food from plates around the table.

 They had served him soft porridge on account of his upset stomach, whilst the rest of them feasted on an English breakfast. Mr. Rudolf cussed his stomach yet felt like they were dissing him when he was asked to say a prayer. He kept messing around, slipping his complains into prayer, not to mention the fake tears because he got served soft porridge.

His wife was really upset with him. She was serious about him blessing the food and thanking the good Lord for their close friends’ daughter who was engaged to be married.

After the prayer, the Great-grandmother of the bride; an old husky looking wild banshee of a woman. Expressed her dislike for the Rudolf family, especially Mr. Rudolf, ‘I have never seen such an ungrateful and disrespectful person. Shaalama dalama!’She shouted and sprinkled red powder on Mr. Rudolf’s face, ‘you are now hexed.” She added and spat

If he knew she meant business, he may have punched her in the face. But he didn’t, so he laughed at her face instead, ‘Foolish old wench. You need Jesus.’ Mr. Rudolf had continued to mock the old woman. 

III

Soon things started going horribly wrong for Mr. Rudolf; the church revoked his priesthood, then he lost his job as supervisor at the Tupperware factory. He grew extra boneless toes and fingers and not to mention the black rash and big red moles growing from his private parts. The doctors failed to help Mr. Rudolf, and a vast amount of his money went into paying medical bills and expensive specialists. When all else failed, his wife enlisted the help of her priest. Together they came to realise that the family; in particular, Mr. Rudolf had been hexed.

‘The curse will stay with your family and follow you all to the grave. Unless you pass it on to someone else who has the power to break the curse. The man or woman you seek won’t easily be found. My advice to you, keep hope alive. It won’t always be this bad, therefore don’t be afraid to live life to the fullest and gather the courage to face the rainy days. These qualities just might be your salvation. Keep strong never give in.’ those were the priest’s words of comfort and wisdom to the Rudolf family.

For a sweet second Mr. Rudolf wished he could turn back the clock and have a do over with that old woman, who wants nothing to do with them, she even refused to speak to the Rudolf family when they all went back to apologise.

The Rudolf family relocated to Harare, around the same time Gavin was starting high school. The curse followed them like a dark cloud. There were moments when life was nothing but bliss. Those were passing moments, they never lasted because as soon as things get too good to be true the curse would take effect.

The curse worked on Gavin like no one’s business. He is intelligent though he was held back a few grades in high school. No one knew how to explain it because he was known to take after his older sister, Frankie who was nothing short of a straight-A student.

Gavin tried his best to avoid connecting with people because he was worried that he might pass the curse onto them and ruin their lives. Sometimes, Gavin had faith that things just might work out this time around.

Gavin started dating on his final year of high school. He dated the most beautiful girl from his neighbourhood, Tsitsi and boy did he love her. Though Tsitsi was not his only love, he also had a young lady named Zama.

Things were going well for Gavin; he had a relationship with two beautiful females and life was good until came prom night. The curse kicked in and he got dumped by both ladies on the spot.

After barely passing matric, Gavin vowed to take some time to himself, perhaps a gap year; just to recuperate and most importantly, gather his thoughts

IV

After taking the gap year and working at a retail store, Gavin decided it was time he took off and made his dreams a reality, ‘Damn the outcome!’ he had said.

He only wanted to attend a college in South Africa. He made that dream a reality by booking a plane ticket from Harare to O.R Thambo International airport in Johannesburg. Gavin arrived safe in Joburg, so he met up with some friends from Harare.

Gavin is coloured, he’s your jerry curl dripping, loose jeans and Adidas sneaker wearing, skater dude all day every day and twice on Sundays. He blended in well, even though he was rather short which sometimes made him a bit self-conscious. But you have to give it to him for his beard, it was quite exceptional. With his beard and curly hair, he sort of looked Middle eastern to an untrained eye.

Gavin stayed with his old friends from Harare for three weeks in Sandton. The day he decided to leave was the day things started to go wrong for him.

Gavin was out gallivanting about with his buddies at a night club when a fight broke out. Gavin grabbed his friends and headed for the door. Only it was locked, they climbed out of a bathroom window, and Gavin lost his left Adidas sneaker in the process. They ran and didn’t look back.

Finally, they all had made it down an alley, where they thought they were safe. Two coloured guys appeared and robbed them at gun point. The robbers took everything in their possession.

After the robbers had left, Gavin and his friends walked down a few blocks and decided to stop at a restaurant and see if they might use their phone. But as soon as Gavin walked in through the doors, the owner grabbed a butcher knife and hulled all types of insults at Gavin, ‘Bloody mongrel! You rob me with your friend now you come back!’ he had shouted

The police arrived and took Gavin to Kempton Park Police Station. He spent the night there.

 He was cleared by morning and by the early afternoon he was on a flight to Cape Town.

V

The Mother City seemed promising for Gavin. He enrolled at City Varsity a college near Bokaap. Gavin even made friends on and off campus. But he really hit gold when Christopher moved in at his residence, in the room next door. Christopher was lively and had a positive attitude towards life and all she had to offer; the good and the bad, an all-round ecstatic, courageous fellow to say the least.

The young man had an answer for everything, which restored Gavin’s hope; Christopher didn’t have a bad bone in his body. That worked best for Gavin, who could learn from Christopher’s ways with his streak of luck.

As time went by; Christopher and Gavin became inseparable, they were two peas in a pot.

They were brothers and just as Gavin had feared, the curse was passed on to Christopher.

Gavin and his family were finally free.

Christopher had friends in Plumstead and he had promised to visit them that morning. But to his surprise, his alarm clock doesn’t go off at 5:30 am as usual. Christopher woke up late and there was no hot water, so he took a cold shower. As he was about to make breakfast, he realises there’s no bread and everything in the fridge has turned. ‘Okay, that’s weird. Could have sworn I went shopping three days back, yet I got nothing to eat. It’s all turned.’ Christopher had said panting.

Christopher walked out of the house, with Gavin by his side who was as quiet as a church mouse, wanting to observe how far Christopher will get. Christopher took out his smartphone to call his friends from Plumstead, but a drunken homeless guy knocked the phone over and it fell on a mud puddle. ‘Askies my broer, it was an accident’ pleaded the homeless guy. As if that wasn’t enough, a speeding red quantum drove passed and squashed the phone.

An unfazed Christopher thought it would be best to travel to Plumstead by taxi, but his pockets tell him he is low on cash. The buses weren’t running at that time of the early afternoon. He went to a nearby ATM to withdraw money, but his card declined.

Gavin stood back in horror not knowing what to say to his friend, or even where to start. One thing for sure that Gavin noticed was during this whole ordeal; Christopher had not lost himself, he was still the same courageous beast of a young man, with a positive attitude; facing the unknown yet still having hope that the next plan will definitely work.

Gavin finally broke down and confessed to Christopher. ‘Don’t worry my friend, you know nothing can beat the almighty big poppa. I am just glad to help get your family out of this mess, it’s okay I can take it, Lord knows I’ve dealt with worse, been through worse.’ Christopher said looking into his buddy’s eyes.

Just as they walked away from the ATM, one of Christopher’s friends from Plumstead pulled up right in front of them. They both hopped in the car with Christopher on the front seat, ‘How’s everything going? You good?’ asked the friend. Christopher turned to him with a smile, ‘Life is beautiful and we’re grateful to be here!’

Right there and then, Gavin realised that the curse had no power over Christopher because in whatever situation or predicament, he always chooses the light. And that takes a lot of courage.